Brush Strokes of Red

gliding on the canvas
back and forth, side to side
the movements flow and wave
rolling and sliding
the canvas fills with color
entertwining with each stroke and movement.
each shade folds to the other
just like lovers in a field sharing
a moment of love on their afternoon picnic

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Published in: on September 22, 2011 at 5:41 pm  Leave a Comment  

a moment by the water

the sun glitters through the leaves near us
she sits on the smooth rock
so perfect I can’t help but gaze at her
tension builds in me as I glance at her lips
I fight the impluse to draw near her
Those eyes are like magnets
I should go home now! My hearts can’t fight this off for long!
She lets me lay my head on her lap
Her hands are like paint brushes on a canvas
Her strokes are so smooth and dance across my body
The memories dance in my soul and in my heart
I embrace it and free myself
We dance, hand in hand, cheek to cheek
The dance of angels on cloud 9.

Published in: on September 12, 2011 at 2:01 pm  Leave a Comment  

a moment in time

a sound from below
a familiar swish of her feet
a knock at the door
a beautiful smile
I’m taken back
I had been so careful
to keep her in the distance
now she is pulling toward me
what do I do?
I didn’t plan for this
I let her embrace me
It feels so beautiful
Now, I’m left
with a moment
the air is still
the sounds so soft
my heart swirls
my logic is scared

I feel like a quarter that froze in mid-air which noone can explain.

Published in: on September 7, 2011 at 7:34 pm  Leave a Comment  

Wow! This is actually a good feeling :)

I was very distraught about leaving this relationship forever. I knew she had to move out since she was sleeping with another woman, but for some reason I thought there was a chance that we could patch things up down the road and that she would want to work on it. We put so much work in the relationship why end it so quickly so soon. Shouldn’t we give it a fighting chance? Nope, she chose not to. So, all I can do is move on. I don’t beg for anything, not ever. That is beneath me.
I pushed her out so fast it wasn’t funny. I told her to hate me and that I would be a bitch to her if she ever tried to be my friend. I told her that when she chose to be with this woman over working things out with me so lost her best friend forever and I hoped it was worth it to her. It was really horrible and I’ve never said or done these things before in my life. I really know that I can’t even look at her or hear her voice. The most I can do is get a text or an email. That is all I am emotionally prepared for at this point.
The plus side is that the apartment is so less cluttered. It actually looks manageable in my eyes. I feel like I can be myself completely and not be something someone wants me to be. I went into a cleaning frenzy today. Everything is clean from top to bottom. It looks so beautiful. There is so much that is better being here without her. The moods, negativity, hopelessness, controlling patterns, etc. Ofcourse we had amazing times and a great relationship. We were a great team, but in the end it didn’t feel like a home anymore.
I’m really embracing living on my own and it will be a long time before I live with anyone else relationship wise. I just need to be myself. I can date and meet people and date long term eventually, but they don’t have to move in anytime soon. I need to be really careful who I add into my children’s lives. There was too much that happened that the girls should have never been exposed to.
It sounds so horrible, but really, if I looked at the big picture I gained more from her being in my life than I lost. She taught me a great deal. We both felt so save with each other. She is one of the most open people I know and it allowed me to discover things I never thought I could try without being judged. She really is a beautiful person on the inside. The bad times over shadow the good unfortunately even though it wasn’t all the time, but when you are fighting everyday then someone has to make the hard decision. That was me, I had to end it. The drama had to stop. We loved each other too much to treat each other these ways anymore.
I share these details with my readers so that people know that you are not alone. These feelings and emotions happen to us all. Relationships either work or they don’t. I have a super strong personality and its not for everyone. Most people are intimidated that I know exactly what I want and go for it. I accept that because it is a part of me that I love. I make my own paths and dig my own ditches. I climb mountains alone and love it at the top. If the heat is too intense then that is the way it is. Maybe some day I will soften with age, but that is a long time coming. If you like intensity then come knocking on my door. Life is supposed to be sucked up with passion, challenges are suppose to be fought with the depths of our souls, love is supppose to be felt with every molecule in our bodies. That is me!

Published in: on August 23, 2011 at 4:47 pm  Leave a Comment  

emptiness

confessions…
we will be together again someday
lies…
I love you
hopes…
to have a purified space to live
dreams…
to live free from her anger
lust…
that we were meant to be together
fire…
wanting her
rage…
the wrath she forced upon my soul
beauty…
my children that I live for
art…
the world around me that still lives and breathes around me
tomorrow…
a life without her
hope…
a life without her
destiny…
a life without her

Published in: on August 18, 2011 at 11:29 pm  Leave a Comment  

one day at a time

I have been thru an emotional rollercoaster this past week. All these feelings that I bottled up because I was trying to do the right thing and break off the relationship so we didn’t hurt each other anymore came pouring out. I really know that she needs to move on. I know the drama that she brings with her is not healthy for me. I feel so much love for her still, but we need to move forward. She is seeing someone else, started last week. It is too uncomfortable for her to be here when spending the night somewhere else and coming home late in the morning. I’m not stupid and I can see everything on her face. Why does she still want to hug me? Why does she still tell me she finds me attractive? Its like I feel like she wants the best of both worlds in one. When not with this woman she wants to be affectionate towards me. So my boundaries are now fully up. I could tell by her actions today that she is being nice to get the things out of the relationship that she wants. I don’t believe that she really has my feelings in her best interest. I have this gut feeling that she will want to come back to me, because this thing she has going on will not last. I will want her so bad. I will want to open my arms and let her come back like she never left. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to do that. The choices I have made, and the promises I have made to my daughters won’t allow me to do that. She will have to live the rest of her life by her choices. My Mom came to me in a dream and told me that we were not right for each other, but I had to find out on my own. I had to experience this relationship. I’m hoping that we become amazing friends thru this process though. The ugly part of a break up is the money and materialistic stuff. I hope we can make it thru this turmoil. Something told me not to get walked on. A little voice in back of my head told me I was giving everything away and I needed to have something in the end. It was suppose to be an equal relationship. So, I’m going to barter at the table now instead of getting walked on.

Published in: on August 15, 2011 at 1:15 pm  Leave a Comment  

Confusion

How is it that I can be so frickin happy that my relationship is ending, but the first time she goes on a date and has fun I’m so pissed off? This does not make sense. I have no desire to be with her anymore. I honestly would rather be alone that be in a relationship with her. Its gone its course. I don’t understand this relationship stuff. I know that we have a history together. We had almost been together 2 years and she was my support during my coming out process. We had some amazing times together. There was so much I didn’t like, but I ignored it until it wasn’t ignorable anymore. I just wish I understood why I even care. She met this person that has a kid, and I tell her to walk away so she doesn’t put her thru the hell she put me thru. Its a long story, but its her life and I should butt out. I have so much to live for and so much to look forward to. I am confident that I am on the right path for me. Its much healthier emotionally. My children are better off without the drama. I even get to hang out with David again (she didn’t allow me to). I have a lot of frustration with the way I let her control my life. I always had to have my free time with her. I rarely ever had any time with my friends unless she was there, and never had any alone time. It wasn’t right for me, but I tried to force it to be right for me. So, she likes this girl. They are friends for now. I just have to deal. Even though some twisted messed up part of me wants her to be alone forever and only want me to fill her void even if I don’t want her. I don’t get it or understand it, but I write to tell the story of the complicated woman brain. I am ready to move forward. I am excited to live on my own in the first time in 15 years! woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Published in: on August 2, 2011 at 11:36 pm  Leave a Comment  

peeling another layer

okay……so many changes have been affecting me in the past year. Not only have I come out to the world that I am gay, but I have gone through the whole process of a divorce, moved out, and currently am working a new job. I have been here 2 weeks and I just love the fact that I can walk to work… Yay!!!!!!

So, lets start with the whole coming out process……
I have been afraid to be completely the way I have felt since I was a teenager. I saw viloent acts committed towards those like me. I always felt it was safer to hide. Then in my twenties I felt safe enough to tell my closest friends and family that I was bi-sexual….so I had my foot halfway out the door. Ofcourse, since 1998 I had been married to a wonderful person who happened to be a man. I have felt disconnected sexually to him since the beginning, but we had moments of connectedness. Then I lost it all together and it scared me. I was terrified to take all my walls down and be completely exposed to the world. What would happen if people I trusted stopped loving me? What if people in my community judged me? What will the affects of my actions be on my children? It was the scariest thing I ever had to face. It was easy to pretend until I met Julie. When I met her for the 1st time, my life was changed forever. I knew I needed to face my fears for the chance to experience life in her presence. (to be continued)

Published in: on August 4, 2010 at 11:52 am  Leave a Comment  

gender stereotypes

From what I’ve read the female stereotypic role is to marry and have children. She is also to put her family’s welfare before her own; be loving, compassionate, caring, nurturing, and sympathetic; and find time to be sexy and feel beautiful. The male stereotypic role is to be the financial provider. He is also to be assertive, competitive, independent, courageous, and career-focused; hold his emotions in check; and always initiate sex.
Alright so obviously this does not hold true for all women or all men for that matter in this country. This is my issue with gender stereotypes. I was made to believe in a very liberal household that I was to be all the woman stereotypes, plus being asssertive, independent, courageous, career-focused, and sex be a mutual thing. If I waited every time my husband wanted to have sex then I wouldn’t have had it as often. 
I don’t agree with raising children in gender stereotypes either. Why is it pink all the time for my girls, and princesses, and cute pretty things with ruffles? I fight so hard to make their childhood balanced in that way. It is extremely difficult.
Look what happened to me in our gender stereotyping society. I was repressed for years! I finally had the strength to come out about who I am and I feel like I am alive. I feel like I’m not suffocating anymore. It took away part of my life. I am still a woman, I am still Katrina, but now I feel 100% comfortable with my sexuality, which in turn is a huge part of myself that I was repressing and hiding. I still am an active mother in my girls’ lives. I am still a part of my family and their extended families. We are still a family and always will be.
It really is amazing how I thought by being true to myself would change everything for the worse. I was so wrong. I am so thankful to everyone, even those that don’t understand have been so supportive and I appreciate that will all that I have.
So, let’s get the word out on gender stereotyping. To the children of the present and future. Let them decide what they want to wear, and play with, and the colors and friends that make them unique and whole. Happiness is in what they want for themselves, not what we want them to aspire to be.

 

Published in: on April 14, 2010 at 11:20 am  Leave a Comment  

changes are happening

My brain has been in extra high velocity lately. I feel like I could go crazy if it stopped in this one moment. I have been exploring a side of myself that has been repressed and only lightly touched. A part of me that has always been questioning. I have never had the solution to the problem. The desires of the physical world that conflict with the society around me.

A beautiful flower blossomed before my eyes. The magic of her petals transformed me into the person I was meant to be. The softness in the air, I felt like melting under the hot sun and hardened by the cool moon all at once. There are no words….I am mute before the beauty. To question this pull to this natural immense beauty. The blinds are lifted from my eyes.

Is this what it is like to feel complete??

I have lived in the dark, afraid to see the light.

Handle with care…… honesty………

Published in: on December 19, 2009 at 12:30 am  Comments (1)