Wow! This is actually a good feeling :)

I was very distraught about leaving this relationship forever. I knew she had to move out since she was sleeping with another woman, but for some reason I thought there was a chance that we could patch things up down the road and that she would want to work on it. We put so much work in the relationship why end it so quickly so soon. Shouldn’t we give it a fighting chance? Nope, she chose not to. So, all I can do is move on. I don’t beg for anything, not ever. That is beneath me.
I pushed her out so fast it wasn’t funny. I told her to hate me and that I would be a bitch to her if she ever tried to be my friend. I told her that when she chose to be with this woman over working things out with me so lost her best friend forever and I hoped it was worth it to her. It was really horrible and I’ve never said or done these things before in my life. I really know that I can’t even look at her or hear her voice. The most I can do is get a text or an email. That is all I am emotionally prepared for at this point.
The plus side is that the apartment is so less cluttered. It actually looks manageable in my eyes. I feel like I can be myself completely and not be something someone wants me to be. I went into a cleaning frenzy today. Everything is clean from top to bottom. It looks so beautiful. There is so much that is better being here without her. The moods, negativity, hopelessness, controlling patterns, etc. Ofcourse we had amazing times and a great relationship. We were a great team, but in the end it didn’t feel like a home anymore.
I’m really embracing living on my own and it will be a long time before I live with anyone else relationship wise. I just need to be myself. I can date and meet people and date long term eventually, but they don’t have to move in anytime soon. I need to be really careful who I add into my children’s lives. There was too much that happened that the girls should have never been exposed to.
It sounds so horrible, but really, if I looked at the big picture I gained more from her being in my life than I lost. She taught me a great deal. We both felt so save with each other. She is one of the most open people I know and it allowed me to discover things I never thought I could try without being judged. She really is a beautiful person on the inside. The bad times over shadow the good unfortunately even though it wasn’t all the time, but when you are fighting everyday then someone has to make the hard decision. That was me, I had to end it. The drama had to stop. We loved each other too much to treat each other these ways anymore.
I share these details with my readers so that people know that you are not alone. These feelings and emotions happen to us all. Relationships either work or they don’t. I have a super strong personality and its not for everyone. Most people are intimidated that I know exactly what I want and go for it. I accept that because it is a part of me that I love. I make my own paths and dig my own ditches. I climb mountains alone and love it at the top. If the heat is too intense then that is the way it is. Maybe some day I will soften with age, but that is a long time coming. If you like intensity then come knocking on my door. Life is supposed to be sucked up with passion, challenges are suppose to be fought with the depths of our souls, love is supppose to be felt with every molecule in our bodies. That is me!

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