one day at a time

I have been thru an emotional rollercoaster this past week. All these feelings that I bottled up because I was trying to do the right thing and break off the relationship so we didn’t hurt each other anymore came pouring out. I really know that she needs to move on. I know the drama that she brings with her is not healthy for me. I feel so much love for her still, but we need to move forward. She is seeing someone else, started last week. It is too uncomfortable for her to be here when spending the night somewhere else and coming home late in the morning. I’m not stupid and I can see everything on her face. Why does she still want to hug me? Why does she still tell me she finds me attractive? Its like I feel like she wants the best of both worlds in one. When not with this woman she wants to be affectionate towards me. So my boundaries are now fully up. I could tell by her actions today that she is being nice to get the things out of the relationship that she wants. I don’t believe that she really has my feelings in her best interest. I have this gut feeling that she will want to come back to me, because this thing she has going on will not last. I will want her so bad. I will want to open my arms and let her come back like she never left. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to do that. The choices I have made, and the promises I have made to my daughters won’t allow me to do that. She will have to live the rest of her life by her choices. My Mom came to me in a dream and told me that we were not right for each other, but I had to find out on my own. I had to experience this relationship. I’m hoping that we become amazing friends thru this process though. The ugly part of a break up is the money and materialistic stuff. I hope we can make it thru this turmoil. Something told me not to get walked on. A little voice in back of my head told me I was giving everything away and I needed to have something in the end. It was suppose to be an equal relationship. So, I’m going to barter at the table now instead of getting walked on.

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